The Daily Life of Kabuto
by anqiaj
Summary: The title says it all


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Pooh.**

** Note: Sorry for not updating in a long time, I ran out of candy. And then I discovered that fatty foods give you high blood pressure, which inspires me the write.**

**** Normally, when the name 'Orochimaru' was mentioned, most shinobi would go running and screaming in a panic, especially if the words 'Experiment' and 'Kill' were included within the same sentence.

Unfortuantely, Kabuto was not qualified in the 'most shinobi' category, as most shinobi were relatively sane and did not work for a creepy, pale-skinned dude.

Whenever the name 'Orochimaru' was mentioned around Kabuto, slightly disturbing thoughts and mentally-scarring incidents would pop into Kabuto's mind. Usually they were along the lines of: Creepy snake pedophile, weird-ass clothing, and a troubling habit of giving little Uchiha orphan children hickeys and later asking tthose poor Uchiha orphan children to live with him and then making them dress like strippers 24/7.

...

Sometimes, Kabuto wished he'd never met guy. If he hadn't he would've lead a normal life, been a normal ninja (Pfft! Normal ninnja? Where do you come up with these, Myself?), and worked for a normal and relatively mentally stable boss.

Speaking about his boss...

'Kukukukukukukukuku...' an unearthly cackle vibrated through the damp tunnels of the cave that Kabuto was currently residing in. 'Kukukukukukukukuku...'

Kabuto face-palmed. Oh great, Orochimaru was having one of his 'episodes' again.

Orochimaru's 'episodes' were usually one thing too many not to be messed with. They often involved a lot of evil, sadistic smiles, oh-my-freaking-god-why-isn't-that-guy-in-the-menta l-asylum glares, and, of course, a lot of 'KUKUKUKUKUKUKUKUKUKUKUKUKUKU'ing. However, if one does mind and very much cherish their very short and crappy life, then you're free to poke him or whatever. (Any life-threatening injuries or painful deaths pertaining to previous sentence is not the Authouress's responsibility).

Believe it or not, Kabuto actually had a drop of saneness in his mind: he actually cared about his life.

What, it was worth saving! It wasn't like he was going make some extremely stupid and idiotic desicion in the future and purposely inject the DNA of Orochimaru into his own body, turn into a creepy snake-dragon mutation and grow and huge-ass snake from his stomach or anything. Seriously, what the hell did people have on their minds these days?

Getting back to the actual story and away (far away) from Kabuto's mostly insane and somewhat normal mind, Kabuto tentatively walked down the slimy (dang, they needed a new paint job) halls of the hideout and went into Orochimaru's lab (He used the door normally, mind you. No need to get a psychotic snake pedophile hot at your heels). There Kabuto found a very excited Orochimaru hunched over a lab table, poking a sort of kitchen appliance at whatever poor thing was currently on there.

'Kukukukukuku...' Orochimaru cackled, pouring salt all over the thing on the table, which just happened to be a slug, before moving to a different table.

Kabuto peered over at the slug, which wash shriveling up and writhing around rather pitifully. He poked it a few times.

'Kukukukukuku...' Orochimaru had now moved over to the back of the labratory and was cackling over a large, white crate, in which tiny, terrified sounding whimpers were emitting from.

'Not to puppies!' Kabuto wailed in vain as Orochimaru began to continusly stomp on their legs. 'NOOOooooooo!'

While Kabuto was busy crying his tear ducts till they wer dry and chapped, Orochimaru finished assaulting the poor, poor puppies and moved over to a high-techy looking stereo thingie, where he began to twist and fiddle with various buttons.

'KUKUKUKUKUKUKU!' Orochimaru cackled wildly a few moments later, soon followed by the horrible sounds of a dying platypus screeching out of the speakers.

'Baby, baby, baby, ohhhh, baby, baby, baby...'

'DEAR GOD!' Kabuto screamed, clutching at his ears. 'KILL ME NOW!'

Now, in addition to painfully dried and cracked tear duct and pratically no fluids left in his body, Kabuto now had blood spurting out of his eardrums. 'Auuuughhh...' he moaned, clearly in immense pain.

'Kukukukuku...' Orochimaru's eyes glinted red for a moment. 'I just set all of Konoha's radio stations to that fag Justin Beaver! Take that, you pathetic city!'

Meanwhile, in Konoha...

_Baby, baby, baby, ohhhh, baby baby baby, ohhh!_

__ 'AUUUGGHHH!' Many a Konoha citizen began commencing the act of clutching their ears and dying on the spot, while some twelve-year-old girls began dancing and squealing on the spot. They were soon beaten down to the floor painfully by the dying Konohanians (That's a word, right? RIGHT?!).

Back to Otogakure...

'Y-you're really the devil, Orochimaru...' Kabuto groaned from where he was crouched in the fetal positon on the tiles floor of the lab while the words 'BABY, BABY, BABY, OHHH!' continued blaring throughout the underground cave.

Orochimaru cackled again. 'Kukuku... and I bet I just got that song stuck in all of our reader's heads too! Kukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukuku ...'

Somewhere, a bunch of the readers of this story instantly dropped dead as the song rang around in their heads and exploded various essential blood vessels and circuts to their brains.

Back in Orochimaru's lab, Kabuto had managed to heal his ears using an A-ranked healing jutsu while effectively destroying the radio as well. Fuming and injured, Kabuto whipped around, prepared his weapons, and then blew a gust of wind out of his nose much like a bull before he began the process of snapping Orochimaru OUT OF HIS EVIL REVERIE.

Twenty minutes later, the lab was gone, having been exploded out by several exploding tags, most of the underground cavern was in ruins courtesy to Kabuto's reanimated corpses, and a giant, hollow snakeskin as resting in the crumbling corridor.

Oh well, at least Orochimaru wasn't acting like an idiot anymore. Kabuto could finally get some peace and quie-

'_**YOU FUCKING WOKE ME UP!**_'

Ah, that would be Sasuke.

Kabuto ran.


End file.
